5-18-2023

Here I am standing in a puddle of my own reluctance.

It’s the worst of all things, the reluctance of action. Stagnation is death. With that logic one could reason that I’m already dead. I’ve been dead for a while. In the perspective of creativity. I don’t know if I’ve given up. It was never a true conscious effort to stop the creative process. I got swept up in other things, other whirlwinds of life’s endless distractions.

We live in a digital world now. I wish I could just take my cellphone and toss it. It has everything awful, minus the syringe. I think a lot of creative people are struck in this terrible state. If we weren’t fed with constant entertainment we would look inward and recall what was left behind.

I know I have a lot to offer, but I’ve became numb, and have broken from that inner connection. With that better half of myself, I have the capacity to free myself, be a soul on fire and tirelessly create. However, the world has subdued me.

It’s never too late.

Or is it?

I struggle with two internal voices. Perhaps more, they go on as such.

“Why try? We are no different than blades of grass. We grow for a season, live and die. Also indistinguishable from one blade of grass or another. The memory of humanity is also the same, like a season so shall it pass. What good is any effort? Know your place, drink the rain, soak the sun, and whither at the end of your season and go quietly into the winter. “

That’s the one voice at the end of the horizon. What does the other say?

“We are made for one another, to help one another, to act and care for one another. You ask why? But if everything had to reason and struggle with the greater question of things, could anything simply act according to its nature? If it was for you to know, then you would know. “

“What good has it ever been to know anything? Knowledge is like a hunger, but when one is filled what is sought? It is the pursuit of things that fulfills life, not the seizing of it. It can’t be seized anymore than a thought. We’re in love with the object but the pursuit of it. “

Sound logic and reason.

However, I don’t feel any more motivated. Isn’t that terrible?

“What have you to lose? As a metaphor you’ve been on a train for a while. Every so often it stops and you notice, you raise your head to peer out the window and you see the world out there. Something might jar you and then you get off. Maybe you help someone in need or become self aware long enough to get off and live for a moment. “

“Time slows, and monumental things are done. However, you get back on. Then I propose how many years will pass until you look out that window again? “

“You can’t help anyone once you’re on that train… You might if you have enough sense about you, but you probably won’t. It’s too comfortable in that place. Safe from harm, safe from the elements or actual problems. No danger to face to strengthen your mind, body and soul. “

A Psychology professor by the name of Russell Hurlburt says that 30 to 50 percent of people have an inner monologue. Thanks Google. (I’m not not sophisticated I’ll admit it.) So, with that admission I feel less crazy sharing my inner monologues. That’s one of the reasons I miss writing so much. I can ask myself questions and I’m able to identify different attitudes towards a certain situation and use one to reason against another and come to a better conclusion.

My problem is I don’t always do that, I don’t put myself before my personal alter and answer for my personal failings as much as I should. I feel that most people are like that for good reason.

With all of that being said and thrown out there I decided I’m going to try. I’m going to hold myself accountable every day. I want to be the best person I can be. It’s not easy to be that person.

However, I think it can be. I have to decide that it’s easy. So for the next 30 days I’m going to try and change my life around.

How does one do this?

Diet, exercise, writing, art. Self accountability at the end of every day. No room for doubt, and learn from this experience.